In a couple of weeks I will be doing the Timberman 70.3
½ Ironman. This particular race has a very special meaning to me
because it is the culmination of a personal two-year introspection journey
after the loss of my brother Benji - my only brother- who passed away
on May 8th 2013. A few months before he
died, Benji challenged me to do this ½ Ironman so as to help me lose the baby
weight- but his loss left me so distraught that I thought I would never race in
a triathlon again.
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me: Doooork I still weigh close to 200 pounds!!!
2:53 PM Tuki: whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?! :-O
That's
gotta be as much as Pablito weighs...
me: hahahahahah
2:54 PM I
am a walrus!
3:07 PM Tuki: Ok tho- wez gotta do something about that
what
about we do some tris again?
3:08 PM me: huh???
Tuki: wer prob gonna have to wait till after China
buuut
lets do timberman!!!
me: hahahahhaha, I'd need a jetpack to carry me with all this
weight!!
Tuki: ahhaahahahaa
3:09 PM with
the chunks in tow
me: la yayita!!!!
3:12 PM dork,
I really feel like I AM THE WALRUS
Tuki: awesome feeling!
me: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Tuki: Oye, so
lets do timberman 70.3
3:13 PM me: hahahahhaha for real? that's a little ambitious...
3:14 PM Tuki: si obvio! we'll get u in shape for next year
3:15 PM me: Dork....that feels so unachievable... Might be easier
to turn myself into the zoo...
3:16 PM Tuki: hahahahaha!
awwwwwwwww
poor
lil walrus
me: I thought it was water retention from being preggo... but
I'm still retaining all of it!
3:17 PM Tuki: chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Seriously,
we gotta get u in shape wit no jetpack... and no ice cream
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It's been over two years since that conversation, and
not a day goes by when I don't miss him or wish I could have him
back. Some days are harder than others, but over time, I have been learning to
turn this sadness, anger and anguish into motivation. I had felt loss
before- my father passed away a few years earlier after a long battle with
cancer. This was hard, but the timing of my father’s death coincided with me
meeting the love of my life- Paul- which truly helped soften the blow. Thus,
until losing my brother, I had never experienced the sheer helplessness of my
own feelings when hitting rock bottom. I had always been a fighter, but
when Benji died, fighting back only made things more painful. I had lost a best
friend, a soulmate. For what seemed like an eternity, there was nothing that I
could do to escape the anguish and sadness that overcame every inch of me- I
was drowning in loss and despair.
Through counseling, yoga, reading and a whole lot of self-reflection,
I began learning how to own my despair, my sadness, my self-pity and my misery.
I became very well acquainted with my own darkness. I owned my inadequacies, my
weight gain (60 pounds!), and my grief.
And that's when it
all began to change.
It hasn’t happened overnight, but surely, accepting myself
and all the baggage that comes with this lifetime has freed up a whole lot of
energy that was otherwise being drained through a constant cycle of vicious
sadness and self-pity narrative. By learning how to own my feelings, and not
letting my feelings own me, I have been able to redirect all of this energy
into making myself stronger.
Those memories of my brother still live in me- but they are
no longer painful- they are driving my motivation to train hard for this ½ Ironman. In
a very real sense, Benji has become my very own secret weapon. With two
toddlers at home and full time job, he has been my motivation to wake up at 5
in the morning to get my first round of training in. This is the same strength
I call on to go run or swim during my lunch break. And those 60 extra pounds?
They are long gone- in fact, I think I am fitter than I have ever been before. I
guess we’ll see how the ½ Ironman goes, but I suspect that I’ll have the
motivation and strength to go farther.
